Words

Posted by Lorelai on December 25, 2015

I’ve hid away from the words for so long. For months I kept them locked away behind the doors painted with flowers and butterflies. I could not dare to speak, for the words are the key to unleashing unimaginable horror, emotions so disempowering that they make me want to cease to exist. And exist I must. Not sure why, really. Maybe the growing life that I’m responsible for is the reason? Or maybe some small, seemingly insignificant act of mine will unleash a domino effect that will mean something to someone? I do not know.┬áBut I exist, so apparently I must.

The pain of one loss would be enough to cripple my ability to cope. And recently there has been so many losses …

Dad, you left me with nothing, but an unfinished cup of tea. The only one who ever really loved me. Not the mask that I wore, not what you wanted me to be, not what I could do for you. Just me. Without you there is no home, no safety, no love. There is hardly any me…

Mom has never existed, only in my imagination. I saw what wasn’t there through my hope for what I needed her to be, but along with you, Dad, all of the illusions of Her dissolved and what is left is nothing, but a sad, lost woman, who never saw a difference between loving someone and loving her idea of who a person should be. Who thought control was caring and fear was respect. That’s all that was ever there, but this foolish little girl in my heart refused to see it.

And Him, who I gave my all to – my hopes and dreams, my strength and support, my sense of self; Him who I got lost in, who broke my heart a thousand times. Finally there was nothing left to break and I lost him too, and myself along with him. He left me with chaos, uncertainty and shattered pieces of who I thought I was.

My passion got lost, my strength disappeared, my purpose was nothing but a fleeting dream. What words could express this?…

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” But how can you not suffer, when you’re shaking in fear while the ground crumbles underneath of your feet? How can you raise above human emotions, when the world around you turns into dust?

There is no point to fight it. Life is what it is. Live I must, so I hide my words away and keep on going quietly, looking for little raindrops that – like a looking-glass – magnify the light of sunrays beaming softly from behind the clouds. Those are the little moments that help me survive, regardless of what’s hurting behind the closed lips, despite the exhaustion invisible behind the smile.

Don’t ask me to talk. Just hold me and comfort my silence.