I did not ask to become a Victim, nor did I cling to the idea of holding on to this role once it has been given to me. But it stayed with me nonetheless, hovering just beneath the surface of awareness.
Today I recognized her – The Victim in Me. She was calling out to me for acknowledgement and comfort for a long, long time, but I did not want to hear her voice.
I have been through my own personal hell. From my youngest years, despite the over-caring, I was deprived of affection and acceptance of my true self. Nobody cared. I was always so smart and capable, who would have seen that inside I was just a scared, wounded child?
I cried in silence. It was shameful to feel sorry for yourself. “So many people have it worse! Some have no food or water, others are dying of cancer. Don’t feel sorry for yourself – you have everything one can dream of!”
I had food and shelter and more. But I was emotionally starved. No one paid attention to who I truly was and what I felt. With time I, myself, stopped valuing my inner feelings too. Why should I? Nobody else did …
I was tough. Strong. I could always manage, get through things, handle them. Sure, I always did what I had to do to survive. And with a big smile on my face. But all the fights and struggles left deep scars within me. Unspoken traumas. Trapped emotions.
The Victim became the Survivor, but only on the outside. Inside she was still a small, poor child, whose efforts to live despite the circumstances were never valued. Never acknowledged, never comforted. Crying out for affection.
She found so many creative ways to fulfill her needs and calm her sorrows. But nobody listened. The comfort never came.
Till this day I did not see her. I should have. Who else to better comfort me than myself?
I am sorry, my poor child. I was blind. I will let you be however you want to be now. Let out the river of tears and I will wipe them off. I will not tell you to get yourself together. I will comfort you. I will watch over you as you relieve all the hardships and complain about lack of support. It’s ok now. Just be yourself, my dear 1victim, for as long as you need. I will hold your hand. And when you’re ready to become the true Survivor I will help you step out of the darkness and embrace your strength.
Let out and let go.