Aren’t they? …
Sometimes I get a thought, an idea that I can’t seem to get out of my head. It usually happens when there’s too much going on around me and I decide that it’s time to quiet down. So I take a deep breath, clear my mind and that’s when the thought starts stirring up. It wouldn’t be a problem if the thought was a pleasant one. But those exciting ones don’t have a habit of sticking around for too long. It’s the disturbing, worrying, anxious ones that tend to have glue on their tiny fingers. The kind that require looking withing and getting real with myself …
I tell it to stop. It doesn’t listen. So I scream : “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” Still nothing. I am mature, I am strong, I can handle it. I decide to look for a more positive idea to concentrate on. “The sun is shining … mmmm, good coffee … such an interesting book! “…
But that treacherous, poisonous thought knows how to find little cracks and tiny loopholes in my happy shield and eventually gets back in. Even when I go to sleep – no – especially when I go to sleep, when I close my tired eyes, wanting nothing more than to just drift off and leave the world behind for a few hours … When the lights go off, the thought creeps in. And it starts going round and round and round … And it gets bigger, more intense, more paranoid …
The more I want to do nothing and just be – the stronger it gets. The Law of Reversed Effect in full glory.
Smarter now – I look for distractions. Anything to get my mind busy with something other than the Thought.
I find things to do, tasks to accomplish, jobs that need to be done. Lots of distractions , the more the better. More tasks, more jobs, more projects.
Finally I get so busy that the thoughts of the things that need to be done fill my whole mind. I need to start making ‘To Do’ lists, just to keep up, to not forget, to not get lost in between the responsibilities. The lists get longer each day, as I already put more on my plate that I could chew the day before. Full meals left over.
I get overwhelmed, not sure which one of the very important things to do next. Whatever I choose, something else doesn’t get done. That’s when the guilt shows up, with her sisters: Rush and Tension. The more I rush, the more tense I get. The more tense I get, the less I’m able to concentrate on what I’m supposed to do. So I do less then I wanted to do, and I tense up some more.
Then comes a day where all I can do is just sit on the floor surrounded by my lists. I burst out crying from exhaustion. When I’m done pouring the ocean out of me, I know I need to take a break, stop doing and just relax. Just have some tea. Be in silence, without tasks and distractions.
Ahhhh … it’s quite pleasant. For a few minutes, hours, sometimes even days. And then – out of the silence – the thought comes out. Yes, the same thought, that I forgot about. The thought before all the tasks, things to do, jobs and errands. That annoying thought I run away from into the madness of ‘doing’. The thought that I don’t want to face ….
“What am I doing here? What is my purpose? Who am I?”….
And then another thought joins it:
“What if there’s nothing for you to do here? No purpose? Who would you be without a purpose? What if you are Nobody, Lori?….”
I don’t want to be Nobody. I’m afraid that without a purpose I will simply disappear into oblivion …
“What’s in Oblivion? Emptiness? Nothingness? Non-existence?…”
I can’t face that fear, the fear of Not-Being, so I allow other,less painful thoughts to start forming in my mind. Simpler thoughts – clinging to the reason why that mean person hurt my feelings, or that important event that I have to attend … And when these thoughts bring too much anxiety, I’ll start to find distractions … and life goes on … Does it?…
Sad is the life when I can’t look myself in the eye in deep silence and face the true thought that bothers me so. The though that’s so scary but so important. Such thought that many people run away from all their lives, distracting themselves with constant chatter of televisions, phones, computers, things to do, people to meet, goals to reach. All that just to not think about that one thing that really matters : Who am I? What’s the meaning of life? What’s my purpose?
There comes a time to stop running from yourself.
The time is NOW.