New Year Exposure

Posted by Lorelai on January 1, 2015

Last year was the hardest one I’ve had so far. And the most revealing. Despite lots of heartache, emotional and physical pain, I feel liberated. Scared shitless, but hopeful.

I have seen the error of my bossy ways and started working on changing them. I have seen myself repeating the pattern that was so familiar to me – family dynamics from my childhood. I was my mother, my partner was my father. I realized the consequences of such relationship, so I started being more aware of what I was doing and saying. It was liberating. It had cost me my fiancée.

I have seen the trap of illusions I lived in and started releasing them. For too long I was wearing a mask that kept me safe, not showing others how vulnerable, how human I really was inside. I started speaking my truth and showing my real face. It was liberating. It had cost me my best friend and contact with mother.

I have seen the selfish needs that I was fulfilling through my ‘selfless’ service to others and realized that those needs are not valid to me anymore. As the needs were not needed, the service lost its meaning. It was liberating. It had cost me my job and my life goals.

I have seen how the physical pain I was feeling was just an expression of issues hidden inside for a long time. I still don’t know what they are, but I stopped pushing myself to get better and just accepted that when the time comes, I will know what I need to know and will do what I need to do to be free from the pain. It was liberating. It had cost me many sleepless nights and never-ending physical agony.

I have seen how my ego was blocking me from any progress in life by keeping everything under ‘control’. I learned to let go and accepted the divine plan of my Soul. My ego was not happy, but my Soul was shining. It was liberating. It had cost me my sense of security.

I have seen myself as simply human. I accepted that I don’t have to be stronger, wiser, better, ‘more’ in any way. I embraced my faults, as important parts of me and nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide. It was liberating. I had cost me my strong facade, my mask, my defense mechanism.

I have lost my partner, but I will never lose the memories of love that once was. There is time and place for every relationship and maybe, just maybe there is another one somewhere there waiting for me?

I have lost my best friend but gained many more in most unexpected ways. I have learned that if I open up to people, if I allow them to help me, they will be there for me when I’m in need.

I have lost my mother but gained a relationship with my father, that was never allowed to flourish before. My inner child feels safe and taken care of.

I have lost my dreams, but realized that maybe I was going after the wrong ones? Maybe they were my ego’s dreams, and maybe my Soul has another purpose for me? I have opened my heart and now take advantage of opportunities that come my way. They are the signs that will point me back to my true path and my real life purpose.

By learning acceptance and releasing control I connected with myself in a way I never knew possible. I connected with my daughter, with new friends, reconnected with old ones in a different, more meaningful way. I don’t have to feel alone anymore.

I am still in pain – my body aches, my heart bleeds. But I stopped struggling. It is all necessary for a reason, even if the reason will be revealed in some unknown point in time in the future. I trust in divine guidance of my Soul. I am free.