Angry, so angry! I was furious. He simply ignored me. In my eyes it was plain and simple: you were hired to do a job, you do it. I would. I’d never require more from people that I was willing to do myself. When I work, I give my 100% and that’s what I expect from people I work with. And I try to make sure who I hire up front, to avoid pulling my hair out of frustration later.
He was pretty professional for a while. Replied to my messages within 48 hours (more or less), sent me copies of all paperwork on 150 gsm letterhead paper and showed up almost on time. And then, something changed. At some unknown point of time he started pretending to do the job. My queries were brushed under the carpet along with the office dust that he didn’t want to notice. I was paying him, while he treated me like a beggar, who’s currency was news, instead of cash. The more he disregarded my questions, the more I asked. The more I asked, the less I information I was getting. My treasure basket was only filling up with rude remarks and arrogant comments.
I wished, oh how I wished to just tell him to go to hell and to get someone else to do the job. I usually would have just said: “Thank you, but no, thank you.” But this was complicated. He waited until our lives were so intertwined that I had no way of letting him go. Dammit!
All I had left was my persistence. I kept drilling, asking, begging and he kept dodging my phone calls and e-mails. When I heard his very proper and polite “Stop asking me, your queries are costing me money. It takes time to answer them and I have other (‘more important’) jobs to do.” , I lost it. I was at the end of my rope.
“What the hell! He’s taking my money and not only does he not want to do his job, but dares to tell me I’m not important???”
I’m sure, my anger was well justified. Who wouldn’t get mad in my position? But I was losing sleep over this for weeks now. It’s just a stupid job, why did it bother me so much?
“I am not important”. That’s what I heard between the lines. “Not important” hit a damaged nerve, that hurt really bad for years. Always behind others in line. The last one to be picked for a team. Never recognized at work. My needs after the needs of: family, friends, clients, society, dog, everyone …
My anger was hiding something far worse – deep sorrow and bitter taste of the tears of ‘the one who did not matter.’
“I don’t matter. I’m not important. Nobody cares.”
Why is it so important to be important? Why do people want to matter? Why do we do so much to be recognized?
We live in the illusion of separateness and believe that our individual lives must have some great purpose. This purpose is to be the meaning and the reason for our existence, therefore we must do all we can to fulfill it and be recognized for it. If others don’t see it, did we actually accomplish anything?
A little bird flying from one tree to the next one doesn’t have some big, important war to win. He doesn’t have the need to matter in the eyes of other birds. He knows that his little daily rituals, habits, his being a bird – is enough. He is important and he matters, because he IS. He doesn’t expect other birds to keep confirming his worth to him. He simply feels it.
People forget that their small daily acts of being human are enough to make the world a better place. Millions and billions human acts of kindness is what matters. And they don’t have to be visible, recognized and appreciated by anyone. Ego wants appreciation. Spirit is kind because it knows kindness is its Divine nature.
Do not look for importance outside of yourself, as outside is built with illusions. Feel that you matter, simply because you ARE.