Posted by Lorelai on September 10, 2014

smallgeishaRunning away.

Running from the world.

Running from never-ending expectations.

Running into the pain, my only salvation.

Pain is acceptable, helplessness and despair are not. I am not allowed to complain, lose hope, act weak, give up. Not me – the all-mighty Listening Ear, Kind Word, Helping Hand. HER.

“SHE is so strong, so inspiring, so capable. She can save the world on 2-hour sleep per night!” (she doesn’t know the luxury of feel like crap and complaining about insomnia).

“Ask HER for help, advice, encouragement. She will not refuse and won’t ask for anything in return. She never says NO” (even if she has to miraculously fit 48 hours of work into 24 hour day).

“SHE always puts others first” ( allowing herself only random, lonely cry in the dark alley, after being refused simple acts of kindness and normal signs of humanity).

“Want to blame someone? Blame HER. She can take it. She is so understanding”.

“Want to use someone? Use HER. She will allow it. She is so kind”.

“Want to hit someone? Hit HER. She will manage. She will heal”.

My kindness, my tolerance, my understanding, my ability to cope, my willingness to help have become my biggest enemies. I have been used, offended, mistreated and hurt too many times. And now, where is my strength? How can I heal my own wounds inflicted by those I served? I gave all of myself away to creating the Life, dreaming the Dream, feeling the Love. I am empty, but you can’t see it. I have nothing left to give but you are blinded by the illusion of me that you have created to make yourselves feel justified for taking what you need from me. You don’t know my face, all you see is a mask that you dressed me in. When I tear it off, a helpful hand always puts another one on me. Maybe newer, maybe a bit different, but still not real.

I cannot escape what you want me to be. I don’t have the strength to fight for myself. So here I am – running into the only safe place I know – my pain. My hurting body, my tired shell, my overused sanctuary – my only allowable hiding cave.

Like I lantern, I have been shining the light into the darkness. But every lantern burns out if nobody fills it up with more oil. I know now, that it’s not your fault. I allowed it to happen. I never asked you for help, afraid to show my truth, my weaknesses, my hurts, my real self.  Now, I am no longer the Light. Just stop asking. Just let me be.

I am HER no more. I am Lorelai – The Soft, The Helpless, The Gentle, The Weak. The Human. See through the walls of sickness and comfort my hurting Soul. Then you will know, who I really am. Perfect in my imperfections.

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